2. Is sex dirty? Only if done correctly.

3. Marriage is like being hung, right after tying the knot they whip the ground out from under you and your life is over.

4. History doesn't repeat itself historians repeat each other.

5. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!

6. Patience is something admired in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead of you.

7. If you can't say something nice about someone you're probably not alone.

8. If you're losing the game change the rules, if you can't change the rules, ignore them.

9. A fool and his money are soon... Hey! Where's my wallet?

10. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other.

11. If you want something said ask a man, if you want something done ask a woman.

12. Women need 4 animals in their life...
1- A Mink on her back
2- A Jaguar in her garage
3- A Tiger in her bed
4- And a JACKASS ta pay for it all...
13. Excercise is bunk. If you're sick you shouldn't take it and if you're healthy you don't need it.

14. I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right.

15. Women, you can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts.

16. The more people I meet each day the more I like my dog.

17. If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes....

18. If history repeats itself why is there never any reruns of the six o'clock news.

19. Mixed emotions: When your mother-in-law drives your new car over the cliff.

20. Famous Playwright sent Churchill two tickets to opening night saying, "Bring a friend,... if you have one." Churchill sent regrets saying, "Can't make opening night, I can come the 2nd night,...if there is one."

21. BE GOOD AND YOU WILL BE LONELY...MARK TWAIN

22. Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man.

23. The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them.

24. Sex is NOT the answer.....Sex is the question. YES is the answer!!!

25. Lady Astor: If I were your wife I'd poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband i'd drink it.

26. Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders.

27. For every action, there is an equal but opposite Government program.

28. Be careful the toes you step on today maybe be attached to the butt you kiss tomorrow.